Starting Over Again Backwards
by Twisted Mind of a Spy
Summary: Jack and Irina have an affair in 1999, and they don't tell Sydney and there are consquences
1. Default Chapter

Starting Over Again Backwards  
  
Prologue: So We Meet Again  
  
Western Europe A bar February 1999  
  
And I'd give up forever to touch you  
  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
  
And I don't want to go home right now And all I can taste is this moment  
  
And all I can breathe is your life  
  
'Cause sooner or later it's over  
  
I just don't want to miss you tonight  
  
He was supposed to be on vacation. Arvin had sent him to Europe in hopes that he would actually enjoy himself. But as always Jack Bristow was haunted by his past. He could remember a time where all was well, where he had a loving wife and a beautiful daughter. Laura, the true light of his life.best friend, lover, wife, mother.soul mate. That night, the night that she died, there was no question that a part of him died with her. He was sure that he wouldn't be able to move on ever. But then he saw Sydney standing in the doorway, his little girl. God, she looked so much like her mother. Jack had to go on for Sydney, he had to. But then he was taken way from her and questioned by the CIA for 6 months. There his beautiful wife became nothing but a shattered image.  
  
Jack Bristow had been lied to, plain and simple. His wife was an illusion, a mirage, someone who he loved more than life itself. Her name was not Laura Bristow, wife of Jack Bristow, mother of Sydney Bristow and professor of literature at UCLA. No that was not her, just her illusion, a very good one in fact. Her real name was Irina Derevko, officer of the KGB sent to gather information from the CIA through one of its top agents. For 10 years he had been deceived, duped into believing he had a perfect life. While in truth, his wife was putting on an act and then when she obtained the information she needed, she disappeared leaving devastation in her wake. Why would he be thinking of this now? Why today? Jack glanced at the calendar that was hanging above the bar. He felt his heart sink; today was his 33rd wedding anniversary.  
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
At the opposite end of the bar, the door from the outside opened. A woman came in, dressed in a black dress that clung to her like a second skin with matching black stiletto heels. She wore her hair up in a French twist. Her make up was minimal and she wore no jewelry. Several patrons looked up at the newcomer with some interest before returning to their drinks. She sat down at the end of the bar.  
  
"What will you be having?" the bartender asked "A bloody Mary," the woman replied.  
  
Jack looked up, that voice was familiar. But when he turned his head, all he saw was a blonde woman with a bloody Mary. He squinted in the dimly lit club; he looked at the woman closer. She looked so familiar, but why? His heart raced as he came to his conclusion. He got up from his seat and approached the woman quietly.  
  
"Irina," he whispered.  
  
The woman turned around, her dark eyes glinting.  
  
"You found me Jack," she replied.  
  
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
  
When everything feels like the movies  
  
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive  
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
Song-"Iris"-Goo Goo Dolls 


	2. Dawn of Realization

Starting Over Again Backwards  
  
Chapter 1: Dawn of Realization  
  
Western Europe Irina's Apartment The next morning  
  
And in your eyes I see ribbons of color  
  
I see us inside of each other  
  
I feel my unconscious merge with yours  
  
And I hear a voice say, "What's his is hers" I'm falling into you  
  
Outside, the sky burned pink and red, no longer hiding under the black guise of night. The light peeked into the bedroom where two figures lay intertwined with one another. Jack awoke first, eyes slowly opening. He was acutely aware of the warm presence beside him. As he became fully alert, he became aware that he was not in his hotel room, but rather he was somewhere very different. He sat up slowly and saw Laura, no Irina asleep next to him. Jack put his head in his hands, he saw her last night.  
  
"You found me Jack," she replied.  
  
He grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her to a corner booth. They sat there for a long time, just looking at each other. He wanted to kill her, just wrap his hands around her neck and strangle her with his bare hands. But he couldn't, after all that she had put him through, he couldn't do it.  
  
"Why?" he whispered quietly  
  
"You know why Jack," Irina replied in a soft tone.  
  
"You could've told me"  
  
"You and I know how risky that is."  
  
"You took a big enough risk marrying me"  
  
"I couldn't endanger you or Sydney"  
  
"You couldn't endanger us? Cut the crap Irina you and I both know that that's bullshit. You didn't care about us!"  
  
"If I didn't care, I wouldn't have brought a child into the situation."  
  
"Sydney was a pawn in the situation. A bargaining tool"  
  
"No she wasn't Jack." "Like hell she wasn't!"  
  
He gets up to leave, but she pulls him down and kisses him passionately. Jack wants to pull away but he can't. After all the secrets and lies between the, he was still in love with her even it was only her illusion.  
  
This dream could come true  
  
And it feels so good falling into you I was afraid to let you in here  
  
Now I have learned love can't be made in fear  
  
The walls begin to tumble down  
  
And I can't even see the ground I'm falling into you  
  
They get up after awhile. A car is waiting outside. Jack doesn't even remember the ride there. All he can remember is her warm lips, how soft her skin is against his. They get to her apartment and as soon as the door is closed, he pins her too it kissing her hungrily. He is hungry for her, a hunger that has been burning inside him for 20 years that has yet to be satisfied. She moans loudly calling out his name. She pushes his jacket off of him and then goes for his shirt, feeling the well-defined muscles underneath. She can't seem to get enough of him. He can't get close enough to satisfy her. They are both hunters wanting to reach their goals, neither willing to be the hunted. Irina manages to wiggle away long enough to get him to her bedroom. She watches as a predatory gleam develops in his eye. He pushes her back onto the bed and kisses her hungrily.  
  
This dream could come true  
  
And it feels so good falling into you Falling like a leaf, falling like a star  
  
Finding a belief, falling where you are Catch me, don't let me drop!  
  
Love me, don't ever stop!  
  
Jack is so caught up in his thoughts that he doesn't realize Irina is beside him. She says nothing; words would only hurt them in the end. After a moment he looks at her, the anger and rage in his eyes are gone if only for a moment. He kisses her with a tenderness that surprises them both and they sink back down to the pillows. He decides just to let himself be in the moment because the reality of the situation would come all too soon.  
  
So close your eyes and let me kiss you  
  
And while you sleep I will miss you I'm falling into you  
  
This dream could come true  
  
Irina's Apartment One month later  
  
Irina grabbed her planner off of her dresser. She counted and shook her head. She re-counted at least 3 times after before putting it down and going into the bathroom to take her fate.  
  
Los Angeles Jack's Apartment The same day  
  
Jack came in the door and put his keys down on the table. He glanced at the clock, it was midnight. He was tired, so very tired.another mission.  
  
"God I'm getting too old for this," he muttered as he went into the den and poured himself a drink before going into the adjoining office and sitting down. He turned on the computer and sipped his drink while he waited for it to boot. Once it had done so, he logged onto the net to check his e-mail. After sorting through all the junk mail, he came across one and stared at it for a moment. It was from her, it had to be. He opened it and it said:  
  
Wait 5 minutes.  
  
He waited and then the phone rang. He picked up with caution.  
  
"Hello?" He said into the phone  
  
"Jack.its me," said Irina into the phone  
  
"Irina.I-," Jack started.  
  
"Jack I'm pregnant."  
  
And it feels so good falling into you Falling like a leaf, falling like a star  
  
Finding a belief, falling where you are Falling into you  
  
Falling into you  
  
Falling into you  
  
Song-"Falling Into You"-Celine Dion 


	3. Healing Process

Starting Over Again Backwards  
  
Chapter 2: Healing Process  
  
Germany Jack's Hotel Room December 1999  
  
Well I just heard the news today  
  
It seems my life is going to change  
  
I closed my eyes, begin to pray  
  
Then tears of joy stream down my face  
  
With arms wide open  
  
Jack came into the hotel room and shut the door. He looked weary, every single bone in his body ached. But thankfully he was un-injured. He crossed over to the mini bar and poured himself a scotch. Then he crossed over to the overstuffed, red velour chair and sat down. He had just gotten back from a mission. Arvin had wanted him to find a man named Alberto Renaldi, an Italian businessman who was on holiday in Germany. The mission was a success, Jack sent the team back with the information Arvin requested and then returned to the hotel to get some sleep before returning to Los Angeles. Jack glanced at the clock; it was officially midnight now, December 12. He was planning to see Irina on his way back to the states. The baby was due to be born at any time. He was going to be there for the birth, in fact Irina insisted upon it. For the sake of security, Irina had arranged to labor at home. It was not without risk, considering she was of advanced maternal age. But there was a great chance of being spotted at the hospital and that was not a risk either of them were willing to take. Everything was set, a midwife would be present, and in addition a doola would also be present to provide additional support to Irina. But if complications did arise, arrangements were in place to ensure that Irina and the baby would be safe. However, that was to be used only as a last resort.  
  
"Mental note to self," Jack murmured. "Keep all sharp objects and things that can be used to inflict pain away from Irina."  
  
He smiled slightly at the memory of Sydney's birth. He had been a nervous wreck, but managed to keep calm enough to support his wife. And when Sydney made her entrance at 7am after 12 hours of labor, he felt complete. When she looked at him for the first time, Jack knew that nothing would ever be the same. Now he was getting a chance to start over, with a "clean slate" and he wasn't about to give that up. He had spent so many years apart from Sydney; he missed so much of her life. Jack sighed, hell he hadn't even told her about Irina much less her new sibling. But their relationship was so far apart now, that she would never believe him.  
  
As for Irina, that night still remained fresh in his mind. For nearly two decades, he held so much anger and bitterness regarding her. But through their reunion he was able to release some of those pent up feelings. Ever since that night, they saw each other as often as they could. They would talk about everything including what they put Sydney through as well as each other. And in time, Jack realized something, they were both in pain. Through all of the hurt, pain, bitterness, resentment, and sadness Jack was able to see that she hurt too. Granted they would probably not have the relationship that Jack and Laura once shared. But at least they had started to resolve some of their issues and get along with each other for their sakes as well as the baby's. There was still so much left unsaid between them, but at last they were beginning to heal. And as much as Jack tried to deny it, he did care for Irina. He held no illusions about her, she wasn't Laura, but she instead she was his equal. And as much as he hated to admit it, she knew him on so many levels and he was only beginning to know her.  
  
Under the sunlight  
  
Welcome to this place  
  
I'll show you everything  
  
With arms wide open  
  
Jack's cell phone rang jarring him out of his thoughts. He crossed over to the end table beside the sofa and answered it.  
  
"Yeah?" Jack said into the phone.  
  
"Jack it's me, I need you here," said Irina into the phone.  
  
"Is it time?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I'll be right there," said Jack before hanging up the phone.  
  
He packed quickly and was out of the hotel in twenty minutes. Luckily he was able to make a flight to France.  
  
French Comte, France Irina's Flat 2 hour later  
  
Well I don't know if I'm ready  
  
To be the man I have to be  
  
I'll take a breath, take her by my side  
  
We stand in awe, we've created life  
  
With arms wide open  
  
"Elle est ici Monsieur Bristow," said the housekeeper leading Jack into Irina's bedroom.  
  
Irina was standing by the window looking out into the garden below.  
  
"Irina?" said Jack softly.  
  
"Jack you made it," said Irina turning around with a soft smile.  
  
"I told you I would."  
  
"I thought you wouldn't be able to get away."  
  
"I have plenty of vacation time saved up. How are you feeling?"  
  
"I feel fine, the contractions aren't bad yet. I'm progressing along rapidly."  
  
"It won't be 12 hours?"  
  
"No thank God."  
  
"I'm here if you need anything."  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Rub my back will you?"  
  
"Of course"  
  
5 hours later  
  
Under the sunlight  
  
Welcome to this place  
  
I'll show you everything  
  
With arms wide open  
  
"You're so close!" said the midwife. "Chin to your chest, bear down and push."  
  
Irina let out a small grunt and grabbed on to Jack's hand. He counted to ten and Irina let out the breath.  
  
"You're doing good Irina," said Jack wiping her forehead.  
  
"Jack.I'm so tired."  
  
"I know, but you're almost done," he said kissing her forehead on impulse.  
  
Irina bears down again and pushes.  
  
"Ok stop for just a second," said the midwife. "The head is out."  
  
She clears out the child's nose and mouth with a bulb syringe.  
  
"One more push."  
  
Irina pushes again and lets out a small yep. The baby comes out into the midwife's arms. "It's a girl," she said wiping off the baby a bit before placing her on Irina's stomach. The little girl let out a nice long wail.  
  
"Hello my darling," Irina says getting a bit choked up. "Jack, look at her, she's perfect."  
  
"She certainly is," he whispered, getting a little choked up as well.  
  
An hour later.  
  
Now everything has changed  
  
I'll show you love  
  
I'll show you everything  
  
With arms wide open  
  
Irina is lying in bed. Jack is next to her on the bed. Irina looked absolutely exhausted, but was extremely happy. The baby lied in her father's arms. She opened her clear blue eyes and looked directly at Jack.  
  
"She knows you Jack," said Irina with a smile.  
  
"You think so?" said Jack.  
  
"She's going to be a daddy's little girl."  
  
"Is that so?"  
  
"I know so. Jack, I know what her name should be."  
  
"I thought you wanted to name her Caroline."  
  
"I found another name." She paused. "I want to name her Jade as a tribute to you."  
  
If I had just one wish  
  
Only one demand  
  
I hope she's not like me  
  
I hope she understands  
  
"Jade."  
  
"Yes Jade."  
  
"What about her middle name?"  
  
"Seraphina."  
  
"Angelic." He paused. "It fits." He looked to the baby. "Would you like to be called Jade sweetheart?" The baby cooed. "I'll take that as a yes," said Jack with a chuckle giving Jade a soft kiss on the forehead. "Welcome to the world Jade Seraphina Bristow," Jack whispered.  
  
"We did it Jack."  
  
"Yes we did." He looked at Irina. "We've been given another chance Irina. Let's try not to screw it up this time."  
  
"I don't think we will."  
  
"Never say never."  
  
"I just did."  
  
That she can take this life  
  
And hold it by the hand  
  
And she can greet the world  
  
With arms wide open...  
  
Song-With Arms Wide Open-Creed 


	4. Wounded

Starting Over Again Backwards  
  
Chapter 3: Wounded  
  
I'm so tired of being here  
  
suppressed by all of my childish fears  
  
and if you have to leave  
  
I wish that you would just leave  
  
because your presence still lingers here  
  
and it won't leave me alone  
  
Ile de France, France Irina's House May 2003  
  
The moon shone brightly cascading like silken cords through the large open windows in the living room. They only served to solidify the late hour. Irina quietly came through the door dressed in a black vest, pants, and boots. She closed the door and crossed to the kitchen, going to the refrigerator and grabbing a bottle of water. She crossed over to a chair and sat in it, resting her water on the counter. Irina put her head in her hands and sighed, it had been a long day. But at least Jack, Sydney and Vaughn were safe no thanks to that bastard Sloane. Irina had been away from France for a week trying to keep Sloane at bay. It was not the easiest task however, Irina had a fear deep inside that she too would be sucked into that wild obsession that consumed him. But she had an advantage over him; Irina had a very young daughter who needed her and another daughter whose wounds she desperately wanted to heal.  
  
"Welcome home," said a voice from the doorway.  
  
Irina looked at the source of the voice, "Thank you Chantal. Is Jade asleep?"  
  
Chantal nodded, "Just a few hours ago. I tried to reach you but your cell phone was off. Jade has a substantial fever and she also vomited several times today. The fever has gone down a little. She did manage to keep down some 7-up I gave her earlier tonight. But Jade's miserable, she kept calling out for you and Monsieur Bristow."  
  
"I'll go see her now. Thank you for taking such good care of her," said Irina with a smile before going up to see Jade.  
  
Three year-old Jade Seraphina Bristow was curled up in bed clutching her teddy bear. Irina quietly crept into the room and sat next to her daughter on the bed. Only a small bedside lamp illuminated her daughter's small pale face. Irina wiped the hair away from her face, feeling her hot forehead as she did so. Jade shifted slightly in her sleep and whimpered. She slowly opened her eyes.  
  
"Mommy?" said Jade softly.  
  
"Hi sweetheart," said Irina with a soft smile. "How do you feel?"  
  
"Yucky."  
  
"I know, but you'll get better soon," said Irina as Jade scooted into her arms.  
  
"I missed you mommy."  
  
"I missed you too baby."  
  
"Did you tell daddy?"  
  
"Yes I gave daddy your message. He says he loves you too."  
  
"Good," Jade whispered softly yawning.  
  
Irina felt Jade's body relax against hers and held her close.  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
this pain is just too real  
  
there's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
Los Angeles Jack's House 3 days later  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
and I've held your hand through all of these years  
  
but you still have all of me  
  
It had been 3 days since he received the news. It had been 3 long agonizing days since Jack Bristow's world began to come down around him. He had gotten back from Mexico City unhurt thankfully. Irina had gotten him out of the building and they exchanged hurried last words and good byes before they parted ways, he back to Los Angeles and her back to a suburb just outside of Paris. It wasn't too long after he returned that his worst nightmare came true. Agent Vaughn called him at 11:00. He was supposed to pick up Sydney for a last minute trip to Santa Barbara. But Sydney was gone, glass was everywhere and Vaughn had found "Francie" otherwise known as Alison Doren. Not to mention Will, who was still alive by some miracle. But Sydney was nowhere to be found. It was like she vanished off the face of the earth. With all of the technological advances that the CIA had at their disposal, Sydney couldn't be found. Jack crossed over to the bar and poured a small amount of brandy in the glass. He swallowed a sip and relished in the burning sensation he felt as it went down his throat. The guilt was eating at him, just as the alcohol burned down his throat. Jack had failed her again, he had failed Sydney and because that, she might me dead. He went to the house and saw his daughter's blood embedded into the carpet. He had failed her. Just then a light clicked on in the hallway and the door to the study was opened. Light flooded into the room, intruding into Jack's darkened world.  
  
"Jack?" came a voice.  
  
Jack squinted, his eyes adjusting to the sudden light as he looked up. "Irina."  
  
You used to captivate me  
  
by your resonating light  
  
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
  
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
  
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
  
"I came as soon as I could," She replied adjusting the bundle in her arms.  
  
"I failed her," Jack whispered.  
  
"Daddy?" a voice murmured sleepily.  
  
"I'm bringing her home Jack," said Irina rubbing Jade's head.  
  
Jack put his glass down on the desk and crossed over to the door. Irina handed Jade to him.  
  
"Daddy's right here," Jack whispered holding his younger daughter close. He pressed a kiss into her hair. "Go back to sleep."  
  
Jade buried her head in her father's neck and fell asleep. The painful new wounds Jack now bore weren't so painful anymore.  
  
"Thank you," he whispered.  
  
"She needed you as much as you needed us."  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
this pain is just too real  
  
there's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
"She's gone."  
  
"For now, we'll find her Jack."  
  
"You sound so confident."  
  
"That's because I am. Now let's go upstairs and try to get some rest. We'll deal with everything else when morning comes."  
  
Jack nodded and kissed her forehead before going past her upstairs with Jade in his arms. Irina looked into the study, her eyes focusing on a portrait on Sydney on the wall behind the desk. She felt a deep stab of pain as she grabbed the doorknob and shut the door quietly. Then she turned and walked down the hall before turning to go upstairs. When she reached the master bedroom, Jade was already in the center of the bed under the covers. Jack was at the foot of the bed watching her closely, almost as if he was afraid that she would disappear. Irina came up behind him and wrapped her arms around him. Jack turned in her arms so that he was facing her and kissed her softly.  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
and I've held your hand through all of these years  
  
but you still have all of me  
  
"Are you ready?" She whispered.  
  
Jack nodded, "I'm ready for just about anything now."  
  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
  
and though you're still with me  
  
I've been alone all along  
  
Song- My Immortal-Evanescence 


	5. Who Are You Calling Daddy?

Starting Over Again Backwards

A/N: I know, I know this story has been dead for a long time, but I found myself wanting to write more when I saw a reply in this thread/forum recently. :) So keep them coming!

Just in case you're wondering, I plan on using all of the knowledge that the show has given us since I began this story.

Chapter Four: Who Are You Calling Daddy?

2 years later

Jack Bristow's Apartment

Los Angeles

It had been a week since Sydney had gotten him released from prison. Jack Bristow should have been happy. But something was missing, his family was not yet complete. Jack put down the scotch he was sipping and for the umpteenth time in a week, he picked up the phone. But just when he was about to click the phone on and dial, it rang.

"Bristow," he said clicking talk and putting the phone to his ear.

"Mr. Bristow? This is Chantal, Jade's nanny."

"Is something wrong with Jade? Is she alright?"

"Oh no, it's nothing like that Mr. Bristow. Jade is fine."

"Well then, what can I do for you?"

"Your wife asked me to call you, she had to leave very suddenly on business. But she asked me to call you because she doesn't know when she will be back and thought it would be good for Jade to stay with you while she's gone."

"I would like to see my daughter. Are you in France?"

"Yes."

"I will be there in the morning."

"Very good Mr. Bristow. Jade will be very happy to see you. We'll see you tomorrow then."

"Yes you will. Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

Jack hung up and allowed a small smile to grace his lips before he stood up and left the apartment. He drove to Sydney's and sat in the car in front of her house for a few minutes. It was now or never, Sydney had to know about Jade. It wasn't right to keep this from her anymore. There was no need and now Sydney needed that extra connection more than ever. Slowly Jack got out of the car and walked up to Sydney's apartment door. After a few minutes, he knocked on the door and waited.

When Sydney opened the door and saw Jack standing there, surprise was etched on her face.

"Dad, what are you doing here?"

"I—How would you like to go on a trip with me?"

"A trip? Now?"

"Why not? We've both been given a few days off."

"Where?"

"France."

Marseilles

France

12 hours later.

"Dad, what are we doing here?" Sydney asked as the car pulled up in front of a large house in a residential area of Marseilles.

"You'll see," Jack replied in his standard very cryptic way.

They both got out of the car and started walking up the walk toward the house. Before they even reached the porch, the door opened revealing a young woman, with long, dark hair in her late 20's.

"Welcome Mr. Bristow," said the woman.

"Thank you Chantal," he said moving into the house with Sydney close behind.

"She's upstairs."

With a nod of acknowledgement Jack headed upstairs and without needing an invitation Sydney followed behind. At the top of the stairs Jack turned left and stopped at the room of the end of the hall. Sydney knew that he must know the place based on the way he moved around. Jack opened the door, and there sitting in the middle of the floor was a little girl. She had long brown hair. She turned as soon as the door opened and Sydney wondered if she was just imagining things. The girl could have been the exact replica of her at that age.

A wide grin spread on the girl's face and she was up in an instant running toward them.

"Daddy!" Jade exclaimed running into Jack's arms.

"Daddy?" Sydney repeated bewildered.

Jack scooped up the little girl and turned to Sydney, "Sydney I'd like you to meet Jade." He hesitated for a brief moment. "She's your sister."


	6. Notes and Sisters

Starting Over Again Backwards

Chapter 5: Notes and Sisters

"Jade, this is your sister Sydney," Jack said paying no attention to Sydney's reaction.

"Hi," Jade said with a shy smile.

"Hi Jade," Sydney replied shooting a look at her father.

"Daddy," said Jade looking back at Jack. "Are you going to stay?"

"Yes, but I don't know how long."

Jade's face fell visibly, "Oh."

Sydney noticed her sister's reaction and felt a stab of pain. She was so young and yet she had already known such disappointment. How could her father keep this secret? How could her parents do this to this little girl? She hadn't seen Jack for nearly a year, but yet it was clear to Sydney that Jade was used to not seeing her father for long stretches of time.

"Dad, can I speak with you for a minute?" Sydney asked.

"Yes," Jack said putting Jade down. "Of course. Jade, sweetheart I need to talk to Sydney for a minute ok?"

"Ok Daddy," said Jade going off to play

"Dad, why didn't you tell me?" Sydney asked quietly.

"It wasn't safe."

"It wasn't safe? Then tell me what safe was? Sneaking off to France to see Mom and my sister for 5 years?"

"I didn't bring you here to interrogate my choices Sydney."

"No you didn't. But don't you think I deserve an explanation?"

"You wouldn't have believed me Sydney. I barely believed it myself at first. I took some time off at Sloane's request. I went to Europe. For some reason I was drawn to Prague, I don't know why. I had been there for several days and decided to go to a bar near my hotel. I was sitting there having a drink when your mother walked in."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that. I thought perhaps that I had consumed more alcohol than I had realized and that perhaps I was merely dreaming. That thought stayed with me until long after I had returned and then two months later I received a phone call from your mother."

"Mom just called you?"

"Yes Sydney."

"And she told you that she was pregnant?"

"Yes."

Sydney turned and looked at her sister again before turning back to her father.

"You're right, I wouldn't have believed it. This is crazy." Sydney paused. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"I'm still trying to adjust to all of these new things in my life. But I'm glad that I have a chance to know my sister."

"Mr. Bristow?" said Chantal from the doorway.

"Yes?" Jack replied turning to her.

"Mrs. Bristow asked me to give this to you," she said handing Jack a note.

"Thank you Chantal."

"You're welcome."

Chantal left the room and Jack turned back to Sydney.

"Why don't you get to know your sister? I'll be back in a minute."

"Ok."

Jack left the room and went into the master bedroom across the hall. When the door was shut, he opened the letter from Irina.

_Dear Jack,_

_I had to go away on business. I know that we agreed that there would be no more secrets between us. But the business that I have to pursue is not without risk. I wanted to call you as soon as I heard of your release from my contacts, but I don't want to put you at any more risk. I don't know when I will be back Jack, and what I am about to ask of you is quite a lot I know. But I would like for you to take Jade back to Los Angeles with you. I know that this will not be without some risk to you. However, I know that Jade will be much better off with you than stuck in this house alone. I will contact you when it is safe._

_I love you Jack. Never doubt that._

_Love,_

_Irina_

Jack read the note twice before he allowed himself to think. Risk was an understatement. The principle reason that kept Jade here stemmed from the fact that if Jack ever took her back to Los Angeles and someone found out the truth, he would land in jail. The implication that Jack could have shared intelligence with Irina was obvious. She was after all an international terrorist. But at the same time, she was his wife. For five years, Jack managed to live two lives, one as an operative for the CIA and father to Sydney and the other, husband to Irina Derevko and father to Jade. Now those two lives had to merge. But the question was how?

He sat there for several minutes thinking and then it hit him. But it wouldn't work, there was more potential risk than the game theorist in him liked. And there was Jade to think about. Could his five year-old go along with it? Would Sydney even consider it? But then what other option did he have? He had to ask. Jack opened the door and walked back across the hall.

Sydney had slipped easily into the role of older sister. However, to an outsider, the interaction between the two could be that of a mother and daughter. Jade was sitting quite comfortably in Sydney's lap reading a book. Sydney was reading a Russian translation of _Through the Looking Glass_ from what Jack had translated off the top of his head. Jade was giggling and Sydney looked genuinely happy for the first time since her return. The bond between the two of them formed more quickly than Jack had originally anticipated. Maybe it would work after all.

"Sydney can I speak with you for moment?" Jack asked coming into the room.

"But Daddy we were just getting to the good part," Jade said not liking the interruption Jack had provided.

"I know sweetie and I'm sorry but Daddy has to talk to Sydney just for a second ok?"

"I'll be right back," Sydney said setting her down and getting up following her father out of the room. As soon as Sydney closed the door to Jade's room, she looked at her father worried. "That note was from mom wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"Is everything ok?"

"Everything is fine. Your mother had to go away on business, that's all."

"Judging from your expression, there's more."

"Yes. Your mother doesn't know when she will return and so she would like Jade to come with me."

"If you're worried about taking care of her, I'll help in any way that I can."

"I'm not worried about caring for her, but thank you."

"Then what is it?"

"When you said you would help with Jade, did you mean it?"

"Of course Dad. I would do anything."

"Anything?"

"Yes, of course, you should never doubt that."

"Sydney if Jade does come back to Los Angeles with us, there is something you must do for me."

"Name it."

"I need you to pretend that you're Jade's mother."

Did anyone see that coming?  I'm sorry if the chapters seem short, but I'm trying to do one thing at a time. Read and review please! Oh and submit your PM requests!

Nathalia004


	7. Playing Pretend

Starting Over Again Backwards

Chapter 6: Playing Pretend

"I don't know how to even respond to that," Sydney replied stunned.

"It is a lot to ask I realize," Jack said quietly.

"Why?"

"Sydney if I bring Jade back with us, people will naturally begin to ask questions once they learn that Jade is my child. Eventually those questions will lead to answers and I am afraid those answers will lead to your mother. If the CIA learns that I have been in a relationship with her, they will assume that I shared intelligence with her. I could wind up back in prison and they could take Jade away. And I don't know if you could get her back."

Sydney nodded, "I understand. But Dad, be realistic no one is going to believe I had a daughter and never mentioned her. How can I explain that?"

"Danny."

Sydney's heart seized, even after four years his death was still painful.

Jack gauged her reaction before continuing, "The people who knew you and Danny as a couple are no longer a part of your life. You could simply say that you sent the child to live with Danny's parents because of your occupation. But now that you are no longer a part of SD-6, you have decided to bring her back.

"Dixon would never buy it."

"Then tell him the truth. You can trust him."

Sydney considered this for a moment, "And what about Jade? The psychological implications are obvious. She's 5 years-old, do you really think that she will be able to understand what's going on, much less keep up the charade?"

"Jade is very good at playing pretend."

"Dad…."

"Sydney, Jade will be fine and I will be there every step of the way to help you."

"What about Mom?"

"I'll speak with her."

"Ok."

"So you'll do it?"

"Yes, I'll do it."

"Good, I'll take care of everything."

A plane

Somewhere over Greenland

Early the next morning

Jade was sleeping peacefully in a seat directly behind Sydney and Jack. They had left Marseilles sometime before 6am. In front of a sleeping Jade, Jack handed an envelope to Sydney.

"What's this?" She asked taking it.

"All of the necessary information that proves that you have a daughter."

Sydney opened the envelope and pulled out a birth certificate, passport, pictures, a social security card, and two small white envelopes. The birth certificate and the passport read:

**Full Name: Bristow-Hecht, Drew Christina**

**Date of Birth: 17 Dec 00**

**Sex: Female**

**Place of Birth Los Angeles, California, U.S.A**

**Parents: Bristow, Sydney Anne, Hecht Daniel Andrew**

The pictures showed Sydney and Danny with a young infant, Sydney holding a swaddled baby in a hospital bed, Sydney holding an older infant at Danny's funeral.

"Dad," Sydney whispered. "How did you do this?"

"I photo-shopped you and Danny in place of Irina and I. That is, if that is the appropriate term nowadays."

"You never cease to amaze me."

"And neither do you," he said his tone softening for a moment. "You should have no trouble making people believe that you have a child."

"Wait, what's this?" Sydney asked indicating the two white envelopes. She opened the smaller one first. It contained a small lock of hair.

"Your mother insisted on saving a piece of Jade's baby hair and putting it in a baby book. She did the same for you, and I believe I still have that book around."

"You kept my baby book?"

"Of course I did Sydney, it has all of your firsts in it. Why would I not keep ir?"

"You just don't seem like—"

"The sentimental type?" Jack finished.

"Yes."

"I'm full of surprises."

"Yes I noticed that. But that still doesn't explain why you gave this to me."

"It's the little things that keep an illusion real and besides I thought maybe you could do something with it. Your mother never got around to making that book."

Sydney opened a slightly larger envelope and pulled out a check. She read it and it took all her strength not to gasp, "Dad, I can't accept this! Why are you giving me this?"

"Yes you can Sydney. Consider it a payment for living expenses."

"I'm quite capable of taking care of myself."

"I know that Sydney, but Jade is going to be living with you now and things tend to be expensive. I gave half of this amount to your mother every month. She didn't need it because she had made quite a bit of money on her own. But I still gave it to her because I wanted to help with Jade, even if I couldn't be there everyday."

"I don't know what to say," she whispered.

"You don't have to say anything."

"Thank you."

"No Sydney, _thank you_. Without you, I don't know when I would be able to see your sister again."

"Does Drew know who she is?"

"Yes and she's perfectly fine with it. She actually thought that you were going to stay with her and that I was going back to LA. But I explained that she'll be able to see me much more now."

"What if she slips up and calls you daddy in public?"

"She won't. The key to Drew is believing. If you truly believe that you are her mother, then she will believe it too."

"I hope you're right."

Los Angeles

Sydney's Apartment

Later that night

Sydney wiped the stray hair from Drew's face before kissing her goodnight on the forehead and quietly leaving the room. She went into the living room and sat down intending to unwind and mull over the events of the day. But she hadn't even sat down for a second before there was a knock on the door. Sydney got up reluctantly to answer it. But when she opened it, she had to fight to keep the surprise from showing on her face.

"Vaughn."

"I was on my way home from work and I wanted to stop by and ask how your trip went."

"It was fine."

"Mommy," came a voice from behind Sydney.

Sydney turned to see Drew standing behind her, "Drew, sweetheart what are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"You couldn't sleep, even after that long plane ride?" Sydney asked picking the little girl and Drew shook her head before resting her head on Sydney's shoulder and catching a glance of Vaughn in the doorway. "Mommy, who's that?"

"Oh," Sydney said turning all the way back to Vaughn. "Drew, I'd like you to meet my friend Michael. We work together. Michael, I'd like you to meet my daughter Drew."

"Hi," Drew said softly with a small smile.

"It's nice to meet you Drew," Vaughn responded, trying to keep his shock from showing.

"I'll be back in a minute, make yourself at home," Sydney said before disappearing back into Drew's room. She came back a few minutes later.

"I'm sorry, Drew's not used to sleeping here yet---" Sydney started, by Vaughn cut her off.

"Why didn't you tell me you had a daughter?"

An undisclosed location

A woman sat in front of a bank of television monitors. She smiled to herself as she watched the conversation between Sydney and Vaughn continue. Everything was right on schedule. Jack, Sydney, and Jade had moved on to a better chapter in their lives. The woman rose and exited the room, walking down the hall with a portable monitor. She stopped in front of a small jail cell and held the monitor up.

"They've moved on, just like I said. I wouldn't lie to you. I have no reason to." She paused before continuing. "Now will you tell me what I need to know or will we have to resort to more extensive methods?"


	8. Chapter 7: Moving On

Starting Over Again Backwards

Chapter 7: Moving on

"I was going to---" Sydney started again before Vaughn cut her off for the second time.

"And when were you going to tell me?"

"On our trip to Santa Barbara…." Sydney said softly trailing off

"Oh," he replied his voice softening as well.

"I didn't tell you because it wasn't safe. I sent Drew away for her safety, after SD-6 murdered Danny, I couldn't risk my daughter's life. So I sent her to live in London with Danny's parents."

"So you had a child with Danny?"

Sydney nodded, "After I came back, I decided that I couldn't stand not having Drew around. I missed her like crazy so I decided to bring her home." She paused. "You moved on Vaughn, you made that perfectly clear in Hong Kong. I'm just trying to do the same."

Vaughn nodded, "I should go. I'll see you at work."

"Yeah," Sydney said softly walking him out. "See you." And then he was gone.

Sydney's apartment

The following evening

"Vaughn knows," Sydney said as she cleared the table and took the dishes and glasses to the sink.

"What happened?" Jack asked bringing the rest of the dinner things to the sink.

"He was shocked to say the least. But he bought it."

"Good. If he believed you then you should have no problem convincing everyone else."

Sydney nodded, "I still hate lying to him."

"It is necessary though."

"I realize that. But dad we lie to people everyday in the course of our work and it still manages to bleed into our personal lives. I'm lying to Michael about Jade, just like you lied to me about mom."

"What is this really about Sydney? Is this about your relationship with Vaughn or my relationship with your mother?"

Sydney stopped washing the dishes and turned to him, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Jack put down the dishes and turned to her. "We've been over this Sydney."

"No we haven't. Not really. I know you said that I wouldn't believe you when Jade was born. But why didn't you tell me after Mom came or even after she left?"

"Sydney I---"

"I feel like you went with Mom and the two of you started over again with a new family that didn't include me. I know I shouldn't think or feel that way. But I do," she said softly.

"You're right," he said quietly, "at least partially."

"Do you know how it feels to be me? To know that you look like the woman who created this illusion of a family because it was her duty? And even worse, know that your own father can't even look at you because you represent the very thing that he almost had, but lost? Do you?"

"Sydney I regret what I did to you every single day of my life. In some misguided attempt to protect you, I thought you would be better off without me." He paused for a moment before continuing very softly, "I didn't want you to see what I had become. I was a broken man, who had lost everything. I was bitter and resentful. I didn't want you to have to witness someone who you used to think hung the moon and the stars fall down so low."

"I know."

"I'm going to go check on Jade," He said before stacking the glasses and dishes neatly before going down the hall to Jade's room.

Sydney finished putting everything away and went into her bedroom. She had to give her father some files before he left. Just as she reached for her bag in the middle of the bed, something caught her eye. It was a picture of her and Danny. But it was a lie. They were both smiling and she was holding a baby. They were happy. They were a perfect family. But in the end, it was all a lie. Sydney had been so close to all of that. A husband, a family, happiness. And then it was gone.

The sound of a little girl's giggling floated into the room from down the hall. And Sydney felt a smile creep across her face in spite of herself.

She had been given a new beginning and she intended not to waste it. She turned and the left room, walking down the hall to Drew's bedroom. She paused in the doorway, taking in the beautiful sight before her. Drew was under the covers and Jack was perched on the side of the bed reading her a story. His face was animated and alight with happiness unlike anything Sydney had ever seen before.

After the story was finished, kisses between the two were exchanged and Sydney came in to finish the night's ritual. Together Jack and Sydney tucked Drew in, wishing her only the sweetest of dreams. But just as the two were about to leave the room, Jade began to cry.

"My blankie is gone!" the little girl sobbed.

Sydney shot Jack a look, but as if this was completely natural, Sydney picked it up without missing a beat.

"Do you remember when you saw it last?" Sydney asked soothingly as she went to comfort little Drew.

"At home," Drew said between sobs.

"In France?"

"Yes," Drew said sobbing harder. "I want my blankie!"

An undisclosed location

"Why should I believe you sister dear?" Irina asked, her voice laced with sarcasm. "You have lied so much in your life, I doubt that you even know what the truth is anymore."

"Careful Rina," Yelena said dangerously. "I have everything that you care about in the palm of my hand. With one phone call, your daughters will die instantly. They're being tracked by snipers."

"You wouldn't!"

"Oh I would Rina, don't doubt that. Now will you help me or not?"

"Help you with what?"

"I need to decipher Rambaldi's endgame."

"Why must it always come back to this?"

"He is a prophet Rina. You should want to know as well since your children are all mentioned in his work at some point or another."

"Nothing will come of it."

"Don't be so sure."

"Nadia is dead, so the prophecy can't come true."

"No she isn't."


	9. A Visitor Called Tante

Starting Over Again Backwards

Chapter 8: A Visitor Called Tante

Sydney sat on the side of the bed and cradled Jade to her chest as long sobs racked her small frame. She hated to see Jade cry, "Drew" she corrected, silently catching her slip up. Sydney felt Drew's cries tug at her heart. There was something about the cries of a child to Sydney, they were sad too sad. At that moment Sydney would do anything to make them stop, not because they annoyed her, but because they pained her. Sydney wanted to do something, but what? She couldn't go back to France and retrieve the blanket. What was she supposed to say to Dixon? "I'm sorry, but I need to take even more time off to go get my daughter's blanket because she can't be without it?" He would understand, Sydney knew this, but she could never bring herself to actually let the words leave her mouth. She caught her father's eye as she rocked Drew and rubbed her back.

Jacked looked at her and said simply, "I'll take care of it," before walking out of the room. He closed the door behind him as he left, but despite this Jade's cries still reached his ears.

The CIA Rotunda

The next morning

The Agents Bristow both looked particularly tired when the walked into work that morning. Drew could not be consoled no matter how long Sydney held her or rocked her. It took 2 hours before Drew fell asleep in Sydney's bed. The one thing Jack had neglected to mention about Jade was the fact that she kicked in her sleep. Finally, at 3am, Sydney pinned Jade's legs with her own and the little girl settled down. Jack left not too long after Jade fell asleep, but stayed up into the wee hours of the morning contacting Irina to make sure that the blanket arrived. However, despite all of this, both sat down to work.

"Rough night?" a voice asked from behind Sydney.

She turned to see Weiss standing there, "You can say that again."

"What happened?"

"Drew lost her blankie."

"She lost her blankie?"

"Yes, she claims she left it with her grandparents."

"And she just told you now? She's been here for almost a month now."

"I know. It was strange. She never mentioned it before."

"My nephew had an imaginary friend when he was Drew's age."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it appeared right after my niece was born. It turned out his imaginary friend was a coping mechanism for him because his parents were paying a lot of attention to the baby."

"You think that Drew is using her blankie as a coping mechanism?"

"Maybe. You just came back this week Syd."

"I know, but I had to go back sometime and she had to go to preschool."

"Maybe you should talk to her, tell her that you won't leave again."

"Yeah, I should." Sydney smiled. "Thanks. How do you know so much about kids?"

"With 7 nieces and nephews, you tend to learn something about kids."

"Hey Eric?"

"Yeah?

"Do you want to have dinner with Drew and I?"

"Sure. When?"

"How about tomorrow? 6pm?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Great."

"I should get going on those reports. I'll see you later."

"Ok, thanks for the advice."

"Anytime."

Sydney got up and walked away. But strangely enough, she found herself going towards her father's office. She hesitated for a moment before knocking on the door, but she knew it couldn't wait, so she knocked.

"Come in," came Jack's voice from inside.

Sydney opened the door and stepped in closing it behind her, "Hi Dad."

"Sydney, come in. How did you fair last night after I left?"

"Drew fell asleep after a couple of hours."

"In your bed?"

"How did you know?"

Jack shrugged, "When Drew gets upset like that, she tends to be a little clingy."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Before last year, how often did you see Jade?"

"Two-three times per month."

"And what about Mom? Was she always there?"

"Yes, with the exception of her time here. Why these questions all of a sudden?"

"I think Jade might be having some issues with abandonment."

"Sydney, that's absurd! There's nothing wrong with Jade."

"Then how do you explain last night? She all of a sudden wanted her blankie, after almost a month of being here and she has a meltdown?"

"She was just tired."

"I don't believe that."

"Then don't. But I know Jade Sydney. She's just adjusting."

"I don't agree, but believe what you want."

"I will," he paused. "I spent most of the night trying to get a hold of your mother. She's sending someone with the blanket."

"Good, I'm glad."

"Sydney, Jade will be fine."

"I hope you're right for her sake."

Two nights later

Sydney's Apartment

Jack sat in the kitchen drinking coffee while Jade was in her room playing. Sydney had to make a run to the store and asked Jack to stay for awhile longer with Jade.

"So you're the one my sister fell in love with," said a voice from behind him.

Jack turned and saw a woman coming out of the shadows.

"Who are you?"

"You're wife sent me," she said holding up a bag.

Just then Jade came out of her room and looked at her father and then the woman. Her face lit up and she smiled broadly before running to the woman at top speed."

"Tante Katya!"


End file.
